Nolan Del
Virginia Beach, Virginia
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4.7.21
I was wrong.
Have you ever been so wrong that the humility feels almost suffocating yet incredibly healing and life giving at the same time? No? Yeah, I’m a borderline crazy person right now anyway with postpartum hormones and three babies under thirty…so that makes sense.
Nolan was “supposed” to be born three weeks ago not one week ago on my 38th week of pregnancy - well - because that’s when Declan and Addie were born. My water broke with my first two on my 38th week on the day. So naturally I assumed the same would happen with baby number three, if not EARLIER.
My family and I discerned to put me on quarantine, I mean, “bed rest” starting my 36th week of pregnancy. I was experiencing severe round ligament pain, Braxton Hicks, and sciatica pain that enabled me from walking for several days at a time. I stopped going to the gym (my most favorite place in the world) and I stopped grocery shopping and leaving the house altogether. I stopped walking my dog and going to the park. I stopped my life out of FEAR I’d have an early premature baby. Keep in mind, the doctor never put me on bed rest. It was a personal discernment based on how I was feeling and my first two babies coming early.
Well, I was wrong. Nolan came at the end of my 39th week and 4th day right before midnight. He made it almost two weeks longer than his older siblings. Was it because I stopped everything in my life which allowed for him to cook a little longer? Maybe. Or was it because I am strong and my body can do hard things and break parameters that I created for it to stay within?
2. I thought my body couldn’t handle a pregnancy all the way to 40 weeks. Nolan’s pregnancy taught me that I can do things I never thought ever possible. Because of my preconceived notions and limitations I put on my body, I suffered hugely that last month - a month that should be exciting in preparing for the newbie to enter our lives. Instead, I isolated myself from my friends. Stopped doing the things I loved and brought me peace, and cried a lot. I wished away every day of those last four weeks and they forever will be tainted with the negative outlook I bestowed upon them… because of fear. If we are blessed with another little someday, I hope to remember this lesson. I hope I live my life based on faith and not fear - faith that I am not in control and hard things are not impossible. Breaking through pain is not always imprudent.
I say all this in the clarity and caution that nothing “medically speaking” was actually wrong with me. My doctor never put me on bed rest and told me I was healthy and so was my son. She told me my discomfort was normal, not to disregard the pain. My pain and discomfort were real but not medically threatening. She even told me that regardless of my first two pregnancies, this baby will come when HE IS SUPPOSED to come. And indeed he did.
3. Nolan’s labor hit me around 9:45pm on Wednesday the 7th of April. I had three hard contractions and knew I was in labor. Sean and I rushed to the hospital and checked in around 10:45pm. Nolan arrived at 11:26pm. If you did the math, you quickly realized that yes, I gave birth in approximately 45 minutes. Unlike my first two babies, Nolan’s delivery was NATURAL. I received the glorious epidural with my first two deliveries and absolutely nothing with my third. My oldest kids were 6 lbs at birth. Nolan was close to 9 lbs. I won’t go into too much detail because it is still very fresh, but giving birth naturally is the most painful and insanely difficult thing I have ever done. In complete honestly, I hope to NOT do it again. Rewarding, yes. Feelings of pride, sure. Fast labor, undoubtably. Less risk, true. But as my husband loves to remind me, “two things can be true at the same time.”
All those wonderful things about natural child labor are true. I also broke another barrier and was wrong about myself again. I could survive a natural child birth. At the time, I thought it really was the end BUT I am here to report it was not. All moms are super hero’s with an incredible super power that we did not choose to give ourselves. Our bodies and minds are capable of things we don’t even think they can do. Nolan taught me to continue to break down parameters in my life that I set up for myself mentally and physically and kick fear out of the driver seat.
We’ll say it once and we will say it a hundred times. Take those risks and be wrong. Learn from your miscalculations and grow because of them. If my one week old can teach me that, then anything and anyone that you meet, see, read, or talk to can teach you that. We’re still learning every day. We will continue to move and modify. We will continue to surprise ourselves. And I hope that we will never give up and “bed rest” out of FEAR but only to rest ourselves and our souls to do more great and powerful things soon. Use the “rest” to power up and not give up. Or ask yourself, “I am really resting” or am I “running?”
Ann | DESIGN